What is this feeling?

There are two people that always seem to escape into my thoughts. If it’s not one, it’s the other. I didn’t mean to fall for them both. Things were hanging on a thread with John & me. Things were slowly going downhill. & when I met Sean, he was the one I always thought about. I wanted to give myself to him except, he didn’t want it. I spent a whole summer chasing Sean & juggling an already complicated relationship with John. But now after months of John being back in California. I’m here with Sean. & although, we are just friends, it doesn’t stop me from believing what we could be. I stay close & he keeps me close. It’s 1:30am & I can’t stop thinking about Sean. & the more I wish I could experience his touch, the more I realize the last person to kiss my lips was john at the airport. & it makes me yearn for his goodnight kisses. I can’t shake john out of my mind. I thought I had moved on. I pushed him to move because I was ready to move on. But am I ready?

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January 25, 2014

It’s been so long since we had a real conversation. It’s been so long since I got to hear that sweet voice that makes my whole body tremble. You’re thousands of miles away, & that one text, that one phone call, reminded me of the familiarity that I was once in love with you.

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I think I made a mistake.

Things went wrong. We argued. We said things that sometimes we just didn’t mean. But then, we had fun. We had laughs. We had smiles. We had conversations that actually meant something. We had kisses & hugs. We had hands that were never supposed to let go. But I did. & I made a mistake. It’s too late to take everything back now. I made a mistake; & I don’t think I can forgive myself for it.

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I just miss you…

I’m doing all the things that I knew that I would be doing without you here.  I anticipated doing these things.  But all I am doing is going through the motions.  I am incomplete without you.  A part of me is with you in Califonia and I don’t think you can or will give it back.  Yeah, my heart belongs to you & I am lost without you.

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August 25, 2013

I just don’t want to regret this. I spent time & effort on this guy that I have known for years. & then you come along & change me. You make me feel something that I haven’t felt in a long time. I truly felt happy. But right now? I feel like I can never be good enough. & I know that I can wait for you. & you may be worth the wait. The problem is, am I blinded by what could’ve been rather than clearly seeing what was in front of me the whole time? I can’t help but think that maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this to the guy that I have loved for years. Maybe I was just taking him for granted, thinking that he would always be here for me. & now that he is moving & moving out of my life, I thought that I would be happy for him. & happy that maybe you & I could have a chance together. He is my best friend. & he is leaving. & the more I think about it, the more I wonder if me keeping him away was a good idea. He is my first love, my best friend, my everything before you came along. I guess what I am trying to figure out is, are you worth losing all that?

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It’s been awhile; April 9, 2013

Bad people don’t change.  I am sorry.  But they don’t.  There has been so many instances where change was needed and change was in someone’s grasp, yet they don’t take that opportunity to change.

You aren’t going to change. You’re 30 something, even close to 40 years old and you aren’t going to change.  I’m sorry, but you aren’t.  If you could, you would.  But you haven’t.  I cannot stress it enough.  You are NEVER going to change.

& to demand respect from me? Ha, do not make me laugh. You can’t demand shit from me.  Respect goes both ways, buddy. Face it, you won’t change.  Now grow the fuck up.

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Things are not going the way they are. Nothing is right. & my family? They’re not on my nice list right now. I needed you. I needed you to be there for me. I just wanted you to listen. & you weren’t there.
The funny thing is, when you need something. I am there ASAP. I don’t give it another thought. There are times when I can’t be there for you because of work or school. But I still find a way to be there for you no matter what.
Tonight. You were insensitive when I needed sensitivity. You couldn’t even show just a little bit that you wanted to hear it. So why would I waste my breath?
I want to believe that we aren’t on a one way street, that we are going two ways. But it’s hard to see.
All I needed was a friend to hear me out. I even asked first. I know you have problems of your own & that it might be an inconvenience for you.
So I asked. But if there is an inconvenience for me & you need me. I’m always there. Period. No questions asked. Why can’t you be here for me?

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Gosh you make things so difficult!!

Tell me about it, bub! I don’t understand why you get under my skin like this. First off, you’re not even my boyfriend. So why am I trying?
Oh that’s right, because I’m in love with you… I’m starting to doubt that that is a good enough reason.
I’m pulling back. & that’s final. I don’t want to get hurt again. There will be too much pieces to pick up.
Besides, I already have a hectic schedule without any distractions.
This is just what I need, more complications in my messed up head.
I just don’t understand… & maybe it’s best that I try not to understand. This thing, whatever it is, is exhausting.

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Why is this so relevant?

& just like that, I’m lost again.

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